My Michigan

Dear Ty,

First of all, Merry Christmas!  We are in the middle of your four Christmases right now, and we're having so much fun watching your eyes light up with each new discovery.  We'll have to document that all for you soon (hint, hint Daddy).

For now, I want to tell you about something else.  We'll be heading back to Michigan tomorrow to hang out with Grandma and Grandpa.  You'll have lots of fun with all the relatives, sledding adventures, more presents, and all the good times you can handle (which we'll have to tell you all about on here when we get back).  Tomorrow, we will also be taking you to THE University of Michigan campus for the first time to see your first basketball game at Crisler Arena.  It is with great pride that we take you back to our campus.

Our Michigan is a very special place to us, and my Michigan is very near and dear to my heart.  Now that we live in Missouri (I think we'll still be here by the time you read this...?), this may not be easy for everyone you know to understand.  You'll try to explain, but you'll realize that you just aren't able to do it justice.  I feel the same way, but I'd still like to tell you about my Michigan.  Maybe someday as you read this, you'll find yourself nodding your head along with me as your own special memories play in your head.

My Michigan is, of course, football Saturdays.  It has been this way for as long as I can remember.  It is tailgates with family, walks across campus, shouts and clap clap claps from Dad and Mom with her eyes closed, cheers at the perfect parking spot and the perfect catch, chants of "It's great. To be. A Michigan Wolverine!" on the way back to more tailgates, and so many other kinds of happy.  It's perfect sunny days and terribly rainy days and even miserable snowy days.  It's where we have our reunions with family and friends from all times of life and our "holy day of obligation".  I hope that one day, sooner rather than later, I can show you how a just right football Saturday is done.

To say that my Michigan is only football Saturdays in the fall would be a gross, gross understatement, however.  It is much, much more.  It's winter sledding in The Arb, spring day trips to the Hands On Museum and spring afternoons lounging on the patio of Dominick's.  It's hot summer Art Fair days sampling foods I've never heard of before and summer nights watching Piston's games before marching down Packard St.

My Michigan is Mitch's dollar pitchers Mondays, Skeeps Thursdays, and Rick's Saturdays.  It's church on Sundays at Saint Mary's praisin' Jesus, where Aunt Manda and I compete to see who can find the hymn in the least number of flips, where I hold hands to "Our Father" with my mother and father, and where Cousin Lu Lu and I raise our well-intentioned voices to the Lord.  It's dinner after church, sitting at Buffalo Wild Wings, telling Grandma and Grandpa that I am... ahem... seeing someone.

My Michigan is your dad.  Back to that Skeeps Thursday.  And Bell's Carry Out Specials with jalapeno poppers.  And running around campus together without a care in the world.  And back to that Rick's Saturday.  And our first "date" at Damon's.   And our graduation together in the Big House, winking across the stadium behind bottles of champagne.  And that house on Arch St. where I knew he liked me and the house on Arbor St. where he told me he loved me.  Oh, the house on Arbor St.

My Michigan is State St. and Monroe St. and Arbor St., the places I called home when I had to leave mine.  These are the places where I put myself together piece by piece and had my heart broken.  These are the places where I made many of the friends that are your honorary Aunties today, my friend soul mates.  These are the places where I made my big mistakes, learned my big lessons, and felt my big triumphs.  These are the places where I wrote outstanding (and some not so outstanding... sorry, Mom and Dad) papers and developed my true passion for writing, where I giggled and hiccuped through Power Hours, where I had sing-a-longs to terrible songs, where I cooked "family" dinners with my new families, where I started parades (this really happened, remind me to tell you that story), where I danced Irish jigs, where we parked cars to pay for paper towels and kegs, where... well, I could go on and on.  I can't give away all my best college stories in one shot.  It's not just a college, though, either.

My Michigan became my Michigan before I was ever even born.  This is where it gets tricky for some.  My Michigan became mine when Grandpa Eugene, your great grandpa, was the first in his family to go to college and when my dad, your Grandpa Terry, was the first in his family to do the same.  I'm not sure if they chose Michigan or if Michigan chose them.  I'd like to think it's a little of both.  So many branches of our family tree can be traced back to these decisions, these two men who wanted more and got it in the form of degrees and amazing women.  Your grandma and grandpa met and fell in love there.  Enter Amanda.  Uncle Jason's Michigan hat caught Amanda's eye, and before she knew it, she was dancing her first dance as a married woman at the Michigan Union.  Mommy and Daddy met and fell in love there.  Enter Bubba.  There's also Great Aunt Peach and Uncle Tom, Great Uncle Gene, Great Uncle Frank, Cousin Lauren, and all those crazy guys and girls Mom and Dad bring around every now and then that begin with stories of "Remember when..." and end in warm, fuzzy smiles.

My Michigan is so many memories.  There was that time when Dad lifted Manda and I up and ran around the room shouting "Remember this night for the rest of your life!"  We do.  There was that trip to California where we cheered our team onto a Rose Bowl victory and a National Championship and where Grandma and Grandpa had smiles that you probably could have seen even through their toes.  There was the first time we spun the big cube and the last class in Angell Hall.  There was the time when we "had lunch" with Brian Griese and the time when I wrote creatively with Steve Breaston.  There were those Fridays and summers at Thano's where I was an honorary Greek.  There was the time Grandma and Grandpa took my friends to Blimpie Burger, let them order wrong, and giggled behind them.  There were all those "Big as a House" burger eating Law and Order: SVU marathons and Charley's iced teas with the Arbor girls; there was Emma, Penelope, the Hankumas miracle, and Tequila Tuesdays with the Monroe girls.  There was making NOISE, Rod's colliders (high school cobblestones), and writing bad poetry with Abiman.  There was getting a farmer's tan in the Diag and getting my learning on in the Ugli.  There was the hunt for the Ultimate Chach, Dinersty, and Beaner's Wieners (hot dogs, Bubba) with Aunt Manda.  And again, there were all those lovely moments that could be set to a cheesy romantic movie montage with your Dad (not including, by the way, the time he ate our bill at the Brown Jug).

I hope that someday my Michigan will become yours, too.  Does that mean I hope you go to school there?  Sure, I would absolutely love that.  My goal is for you to experience the happy that I had and continue to have because of my Michigan (I know that happy there should really be happiness, but I like it better this way).  Does it mean that I will force you to go there or prevent you from making another choice, your own choice?  Nope, not at all.  When I was completing my college applications, I stalled for a bit.  Grandma and Grandpa sat me down and asked if it was because I had doubts, if there was somewhere else I'd rather go.  They explained to me that as much as they would love for me to have the kind of experience they had, it was up to me to choose my own.  The 1% doubt I had vanished after that conversation, when I realized that I had been making my own choice all along.  I want the same for you, Ty.  Find your happy wherever you can.  I think the world could use a lot more happy, and that's my biggest hope for you, whether it's your own Michigan kind of happy or something else.  We want to raise you with that Michigan kind of happy that we found for ourselves and send you out into the world, Ann Arbor or otherwise, with it in your heart.        

I can't wait to take you back to campus tomorrow to add pages and pages of wonderful to my Michigan.  Get ready to go blue!

Love you,

Michigan Momma    

Y.E.S.

Dear Ty,

Seven years ago, I was living across the country from Daddy.  He was in Seattle, and I was in Parma.  I missed him terribly.

Seven years ago, I called Daddy crying and told him I was going to buy a plane ticket to see him.  He told me that if I bought a plane ticket, I would miss him because he had planned on coming home to surprise me. I was elated.  He told me not to be disappointed, though, if it was just a normal visit.  I knew what he meant.  The visit was enough.

Seven years ago, everyone else thought I was surprised to see him on the Friday night at Outback when I walked in to find him sitting with my parents.  I wasn't, but that didn't make it any less wonderful.

Seven years ago, I woke up on a Saturday morning to spend a glorious day with Daddy making Christmas cookies, singing, dancing, laughing, and being silly.  My heart was so happy.

Seven years ago, Daddy took me to dinner at my favorite restaurant, the English Inn.  We had great dinner, great conversation, and great love.

Seven years ago, your Daddy asked me to walk out back with him to look at the garden area.  I thought he was nuts.  It was freezing, and I was in heels carrying a box of leftovers.  No, I did not want to walk in the snow.  What was there to see?  A bunch of snow?  I went anyway.

Seven years ago today, your Dad asked me the most important question of my life.  Well, we think he did.  It was all such a blur that neither one of us really know what happened, and presumably I said yes.  Before we knew it, we were at home making phone calls and drinking corky wine (that's a whole other story) with Grandma and Grandpa.

Seven years ago today set me on my way to a life that far exceeds my big dreams and makes me believe I can realize even bigger ones.  I say yes to your Dad every day and make a choice to be best buds forever and yes to you and yes to everything that comes along with this crazy wonderful life of ours.

Seven years ago today, Daddy liked it and put a ring on it.  Seven years later, I still thank God for that every day.

Love you,

Mom   

Fortune Cookie

Dear Bubba,

I had a late task force meeting tonight, so your Daddy and I decided to take you out to dinner afterward.  We decided Chinese was in order, packed you up, and set off on our merry way.  It has been a long, busy, tiring week for all of us.  On top of that, you are teething, and we're not getting quite as much sleep as we're used to.  I'm not saying any of this to complain at all.  In fact, I want to say the opposite.

You know what makes a dinner date with you and Daddy even that much better?  A dinner date with you and Daddy that ends with the entire wait staff and the people sitting next to us telling us what a good boy you are.  Everyone who came by our table remarked how cute and well-behaved you are.  More than once.  Our waitress mentioned it each time she came by and kept shooting you smiles from across the room.  Before we left, the mom of the family next to us said, "Seriously, what a good boy!  When our little girl was that age, we could not even go out to eat."  Gosh, Bubba.  You're not quite six months old yet, and you already make us incredibly proud to be your parents.  I really just wanted to let you know that.

Your dad and I talked on the way home about your poor future siblings.  You are setting the standard really high.  All babies can't possibly be as great as you.  Or, maybe it's really poor you instead.  Your siblings are going to roll their eyes at you and get really sick of hearing about what an awesome little man you are.  In any case, we'll take care of that.  You feel free to keep on being wonderful you.  We love you exactly the way you are.

It's time I close this out because you're in your booth, ready to DJ another Ferri dance party and giggle at how embarrassing our moves are.  Chalk that up to another one of the many, many reasons why we love you and think you are such a perfect addition to this family.

Love you!

Mom    

Chief Bubba Eats a Lot

Dear Bubba,

It's about time I tell you about all the new things you do that crack us up.  I'm sure you'll have a million new things for us to giggle about within two weeks, and I want to document all your cuteness as much as possible.  I am a hoarder of memories. :)

• You are completely and totally fascinated by EVERYTHING.  You like anything that lights up or moves or has colors on it or is living or is not living or is a thing at all.  We catch you all the time holding your hand up in front of your face and staring at it in absolute wonderment.  I can't help but laugh.  Daddy likes it when you do the open mouth stare at the stickers on his computer.  You even talk to them.
• You are NOT, I repeat NOT, a fan of socks or coats.  You often have only one sock on, and we have to wander around trying to find where and when you decided to get rid of the other one.  Sometimes, the search is a little easier, and we don't have to look any further than your mouth.  You look very cute with coats and socks on, though.  See?

• You are still a big eater just like both of your parents.  We were asked to give you a special name for your Thanksgiving party at school this week.  Here you are as Chief Bubba Eats a Lot.

• You are fascinated by your own reflection.  This leads to lots of smiles in the mirror and a real appreciation for the reverse camera functions on our phones.  A guy who likes looking at himself in the mirror?  Where did you get that from?  Hmm...
• You went to your first football and basketball games this fall.  They were both games my students were playing in.  The football game in September was a little too bright and sunny for your liking, so you spent most of the time napping in your stroller.  We'll work on that.  Maybe a trip to the Big House will do the trick.  The basketball games we went to this week were a whole different story!  You were fascinated by all of the action, the shiny pom poms, and the lights.  I was a proud mama as my students stopped by to gush at you and equally as proud when many of them continued to gush about how cute you were when I saw them at school the next day.
• Lately, when we read books, you really want to be involved.  You genuinely seem interested and even want to hold the book and try to turn the pages.  I think this may be partly due to the fact that you'd like the book to end up in your mouth (like everything else), but I also hope that we can teach you to love books and reading.

I'm sure that as soon as I finish this, I'll think of a bunch more things that I wish I had added.  That's why there's next time, right?  For now, I need to go get dinner started so we can take you to your first play tonight.  We're going to see one of my former students star in a local version of The Giver.  You be good, Bubba!  Until next time...

Love you,

Mom

Early Morning Sleep

Dear Ty,

You inspire me.  I don't even like poetry very much (shh, don't tell my students).

Holding You

Holding you
charges my batteries
and all the lists slip away.
I have to, I want to, I can't

All that matters is that my arms
are strong enough
to hold you up.

We melt together,
inhaling your sweet scent
as your breath rises and falls softly,
two back to being just one again.

All that matters is that my heart
beats steadily
to the rhythm of your name.



Love you, sweet boy.

Mom

Moos and Boos (Not Booze!)

Dear Ty,

I have been looking forward to buying a baby Halloween costume since before I was even ready to have a baby.  When it came time to actually find one for you, I scoured website after website (and a few stores in person) to try to find the perfect cross section between cuteness, price, and you not hating us in the future for what we did to you. :)  The Pottery Barn spicy tuna roll made me laugh out loud, but the price was not right. I loved the meaning of the dinosaur costumes we saw, since you have always been our little dinosaur, but they just weren't all that cute.  The pea in the pod that I had often imagined seemed too babyish.  You are not a baby.  You are a miniature man.

We decided on a classic that was cute, comfy for you (okay, as comfy as possible), and easy on the wallet.  You could make anything adorable.  You totally did.

Your costumed cuteness started on your first trip to Michigan.  You had to show Grandma and Grandpa!

We didn't get any pictures at your first Halloween party, but you had a good time, I promise.  You giggled a lot at Angie the Hippie's hair.  This is on Halloween morning as you sent me off to school.  You still weren't all that sure about the costume.  You had a nice little party with your friends at school and made some precious pictures with your feet.

Moooooo!  Mooooo!  How cute are you? :)

It took many attempts to get you to smile in the costume.  We felt so bad for you because you were sick and just getting over a fever and into a cold.  The only way I finally figured out to get you to smile in the costume was for Daddy and I to bounce all over in front of you like crazy people, chanting, "Who dat?  Who dat?  Who dat say de gonna beat dem Saints?!"  Apparently, you are a New Orleans Saints fan.  Who knew?  We were just glad to see your little charmer smile.

We had a wonderful, typical Halloween night.  I watched "Hocus Pocus" with you while we handed out candy to our couple of trick or treaters.  Daddy acted surprised when we had a lot of his favorite candy left over for the fourth year in a row.  I hope he shares with you a bit next year. :)

We found once again that things that were already fun before are even more fun with you around!  I'm glad that we get another year or two to plan your cuteness before you start to pick your own costumes.  I'm not sure I'm ready to argue about fake blood just yet... with your or with your dad after he buys it for you ;).

Love you,

Mom 

Glass Hands, Fancy Ladies, and Uncle Tim

Dear Bubba,

I wish I was writing to you under better circumstances today, but the intention here is to preserve all kinds of memories for you.  Your Great Uncle Tim (Grandpa's brother) passed away this morning.  It makes me sad to tell you that, and it stinks that you never got to meet him, but I'm happy to get to tell you all about him.  As much as I wish I was funny, being sad is what often inspires me to write.  It helps to get feelings out in words on "paper".  I want you to know your family and where you come from, even if for some of them it is only through my words and stories.

Uncle Tim is a character.  It feels weird to use past tense, so I won't when I don't feel like it.  I don't believe that people cease to exist just because their bodies give out.  I think you still get to be who you are, especially when you have a personality as strong and distinctive as Uncle Tim's.  He is many things, and I'd like to share a few.

Uncle Tim is...

... great at receiving gifts.  He truly knows how to show appreciation.  No matter what the sweater looks like that comes out of that box from Grandma, he is wearing it the next time you see him.  End of story.

... even better at giving gifts.  He'd get all of the girl grandchildren (his nieces) the same thing each Christmas Eve.  As we pulled out our matching boxes/envelopes/bags, we'd all make eye contact and giggle, amused and excited for what wacky or wonderful thing we'd find beneath the wrapping paper this time.  There were coins from our birth years.  There were pretty cross necklaces.  There were all sorts of things you would never expect but would always smile at when you saw them.  There were, and this one's my favorite, blue glass hands.  Huh?

Blue glass hands.  I still use mine to this day to hold my wedding ring when I cook or do the dishes.  Totally silly and wacky and cool at the same time, right?

...a joke teller.  I have vivid memories of sitting across from him at Thanksgiving and waiting for the, "Hey, have you heard this one...?"  They usually made me groan and were sometimes a bit offensive, but, to borrow a line from Grandpa Terry, "Roll your eyes now.  You'll be telling it later."

...an eater.  Speaking of Thanksgiving, you haven't seen someone conquer a mound of mashed potatoes until you've been across the table from Uncle Tim.  He also always profusely compliments the chef.

...a musician.  Oh, the stories he had about when he played this joint or that. Which leads me to...

... Elvis.  When I was little, I swore he was Elvis.  I'm not sure if it was the all black outfits (even in the middle of summer) or the thick, dark hair that was always combed with each one in its rightful place.  Other men would pay a whole lot of money for a head of hair like that!

...an author and collector.  I used a copy of his lure and hook fishing book to schmooze a customer when I was in sales.  His house is a legit museum.  True story.

...a businessman and (speaking of sales) an eternal salesman.  This one may be my favorite.  Uncle Tim's Small Appliance and Vacuum Shop was the source of  many smiles throughout the years.  Every time we saw him, we'd hear about the latest friend of ours who had left his shop with a vacuum.  One of his many claims to fame came when Jeff Daniels used his store to film a movie.  Although "Super Sucker" super... well, you know, it was pretty cool just the same.  The best part of it all was the lady in the front, though.

There's a fancy lady who sits in the front window.  She's actually just a mannequin, but you'd never know it.  Uncle Tim dresses her for the seasons and holidays, and she is really quite stylish.  I spent a summer working in a doctor's office just across the street, and I would take great delight each time Fancy Franny (that's what she was named in my head, at least) changed her clothes.  Sometimes when I was out and about I'd detour by the store just to see what she was up to that month.  Simply delightful.

...a family man.  Maybe this one is my favorite.  Nothing makes Tim light up like his grandkids do.  Always the storyteller, we'd hear from Tim about the latest thing Lucy was doing or how Noah insisted on only wearing suits when he left the house.  I hope with all my heart they will know how much they meant to him.  He always showed up for the rest of us, too.  He was a wonderful father, brother, uncle, fishing buddy (I've been told), and more.  He'd make it to weddings, graduation parties, bonfires (oh yes!), and he always always always could be counted on to bring the shrimp cocktail for Christmas Eve.  I'm sure we'll think of him with a smile every time we sit around that table at Grandma's house.

We'll take your first trip back to Michigan to honor Uncle Tim in a few days and to introduce you to all kinds of  other characters.  Wacky runs in the family.  God Bless You, Uncle Tim.

Bless you too, Bubs.  Love you,

Mom

Your Song

Dear Ty,

Myyyyyyyyy gift is myyyyyy song.  And this one's for you!  (Okay, I totally ripped off Elton John there.)

"Like a Star"

Just like a star across my sky
Just like an angel off the page
You have appeared to my life
Feel like I'll never be the same

Just like a song in my heart
Just like oil on my hands
Oh, I do love you

I wish I could take credit for those lyrics, but I ripped those off also.  Corinne Bailey Rae speaks the songs of my heart. :)

Love you,

Mom

Gimme a Break (the Fall Kind)

Dear Ty,

We have been waiting for Fall Break since Dad and I had to go back to work, and we are finally in the middle of it.  Boy, have we ever been enjoying you so far!

                                                                We wore flannel.

Matching flannels.

We played DJ.

We went on lots of walks outside.  It was a little chilly, so you wore your extra warm ears. :)

We cheered for baseball.  Go Tigers!  Go Cards!  12 in '12?

We went to the doctor.  You are as healthy as ever, weighing in at a little over 15 lbs. and measuring 25 in.  You're as cute as ever, too, eh?

We had an ABBA dance party.  

Daddy was a little less excited to be photographed in this situation.  He's at Home Depot with you now reclaiming his "man card".  

Thanks for all of the good times over break so far and all of the joyful memories you are helping us to create.  We love you to the moon and back, Bubba.

XO,

Mom

The Exploding Heart

Dear Ty,

First of all, I am so sorry we have not posted in a while!  Our lives are really full now with you, and I just have not made the time to sit down and write.  This letter will be a lil shorter because we're at the end of a football marathon (Michigan won  woo hoo).  We're on Fall Break, though, so I promise I'll make time to write more over the next week at least.  I'm going to bug your dad, too.

Let's get to this exploding heart thing now.  Unfortunately, it's not going to be as gross and gory as you might hope.  You should know by now that most of the time I can veer into the world of sappy quite easily (the rest of the time, of course, I'm being hilariously funny).  The heart that is exploding is mine.  It used to beat for me.  Then, it started to beat a little faster for your dad.  Now?  It beats for you.

I was looking through the photo album we have created for your first year online.  We'll have to make that into a book at the end of this year also.  You give us the most adorable opportunities for pictures about 15,000 times a day, and we pick a few every couple of weeks that melt our hearts and make us giggle at the same time to add into your album.  That's a hard thing to do.

Anyway, I've been looking through your album, and I simply cannot believe how much you have grown already.  You seriously change every single day and do some new and delightful thing that amazes and amuses us.  You are smiling all the time, giggling, "talking" nonstop, trying to break out of your swing, getting stronger and stronger at tummy time, and so much more.  You have even rolled over a few times!  You reward us all the time by flashing that handsome grin of yours or squeaking or, best of all, laughing and talking right back to us.  It was hard to leave you to go to work before, but now it is nearly impossible.

It is also nearly impossible to even think of a way to express to you how very much I love you.  I think about you constantly and talk about you every chance I get.  I'm sure that this must be annoying to others, but if they're parents, I'm also sure they understand.  At least I hope they do.  I want with all my heart for everyone to experience the kind of love that we share in this family.  There's nothing better.

We are blessed beyond belief that God has chosen us to be your parents.  You have your dad's good looks and my winning personality (haha)... watch out world!  I am both excited to see what amazing thing you will do next and terrified by the fact that time keeps on flying by, even when I want it to stand still for a little while.  Either way, we love you to the point that our hearts just about explode, and we could not be more proud to call you ours.  Thanks for being wonderful you.  You are one cool little dude.

Love you,

Mom

Growing Up

Bubba,

You continue to grow up right before my eyes.  You are already putting weight on your legs and standing 2 feet tall!  You always seem to have a confident look on your face when you are standing up.  Tonight you were standing there watching Mom cook.  Pretty soon you’ll be helping us make dinner!

The other day, I think I might have heard a small giggle.  You just had a bath and I was putting baby lotion on your tummy and you were smiling and chatting, then a small giggle squeaked out.  Today, you definitely giggled after leaving daycare and later on at home.  Be prepared for me and Mom to make huge fools of ourselves trying to make you laugh.  It already started today!  You’re just a very happy baby.

Luckily, you are not too old for a good snuggle.  It’s the best part of my day.  You snuggle up and break me down.  No matter how long or hard the day was, you have an uncanny ability to make it all disappear.  Sometimes on the weekends, you’ll snuggle up in the morning after you eat and we’ll fall asleep for another 2 hours!  It’s just an amazing feeling.  No one can resist that power!

There are so many things to look forward to that I sometimes have to stop myself and remember to enjoy today because it doesn’t last long. 

I love you, Ty, and our snuggle time!

Love,

Dad

That's What I Like About You!

Dear Ty (my snuggle bug),

After having you fall asleep in my arms many times this weekend, which was oh so very nice, I have come to two important conclusions.

1. I wish I could do everything in life while holding you.  I will put off getting a drink of water or going to the bathroom to the point of extreme discomfort just to avoid having to give you up while you are being sweet.

2. You are such a little man already, and now I fully understand why people say that kids grow up way too fast!

As I hung out with you all weekend, I also realized once again how much I love my life and how hard it is to imagine not having you in it now.  I am an obsessive list maker and am also obsessive about checking things off.  I think your dad both admires and fears this in me (especially on the occasions where I "help" him come up with and execute his own lists).  We made a completely doable list at the beginning of this weekend, and I fully intended to delight in checking each item off one by one until there was nothing left.  I became even more aware of how much you've changed me when I looked at my list halfway through the day today, saw that it was only half completed, and decided that I didn't care.  After all, which item on the list could possibly be more rewarding, enjoyable, or important than snuggling with you in your monkey jammies or playing with you to make you smile?

It's also true that just when I think that I couldn't love you any more than I already do, you get even cuter with each passing day, and you are constantly finding ways to make me love you even more.  How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

• Your fascination with and adoration of ceiling fans cracks us up.  You can be in full on Hulk cry, but once you catch sight of a fan spinning round and round, it stops instantly.  Listening to bad pop music also cures the cries, but we're still working hard on that taste level.  Until then, if you want "Call Me Maybe," you got it, babe.
• You blow lots of little bubbles out of your mouth now and make the sweetest little noises.  You also know the importance of a good drool during a long nap.  I feel ya on that one, buddy.
• I started letting you fake kick me in the head.  Why?  You give the cutest little smile and giggle (as much as possible at this age) each time I fake a reaction.  Neither of us tire from this activity.  I do it until my neck hurts and I get dizzy because I just want to see you grin all over again.
• Speaking of that smile, have I told you just how much I love it?  Daddy and I can usually tell that it's coming because it starts in your eyes.  They get all crinkly and happy, and then your mouth follows.  When you smile at me, it's always as if we share a special secret.  I melt every single time.  
• You're like a heating pad or an ice pack or something.  You can soothe anything.  If I'm tired or worried or anxious or anything else, holding you makes it all better.  You ooze joy into my pores somehow.  
• You stick your little tongue out at us all the time now also.  I know it's probably yet another thing we shouldn't encourage so much, but it's funny.  We like it.  That tongue looks like something else you got from Dad.  If KISS ever breaks up, they can recruit you two as new members.
• You're such a laid back little guy.  You have no trouble falling asleep with your arms behind your head.  We can take you anywhere anytime and trust that you'll be good.  You really only cry when you're hungry or you have a wet diaper.  As soon as you're fed and changed, you're happy and chill once more.  We get to take you everywhere.  We really love that.

I could go on and on (even more than I already have), but Daddy needs to pass you off to go get some things done.  You better believe I'm not going to pass up this chance to get more time with you before it's back to work tomorrow!  Thanks for being the most special, most wonderful, most handsome little guy in the world.  Our love affair with you continues. :)

The feeling is mutual, Bubba!

Love ya,

Mom  

Homecoming

Dear Ty,

I officially went back to work today.  I say officially because it was the first day that I had to go back without taking your sweet face with me.  Do you remember your first day at school with me earlier this week?  It's okay if you don't.  I was kicking myself that I forgot to take a picture of you there.  It's okay that I didn't.  I'm sure you'll be back there more times than we can count.

Anyway, I have dreaded this day for, well, probably your whole life.  I have truly enjoyed hanging out with you all summer, and we've only been apart for a few hours at a time.  I liked it that way.  The thought of going an entire day without nuzzling into your little head or kissing your chubby cheeks or getting kicked by your surprisingly strong (and also chubby) legs was sometimes overwhelming.

It was bizarre to take you into school and into my classroom for the first time on Monday.  It was, in some ways, like bringing you home for the first time.  It was strange to be in a place that was familiar, a place where I lived so many days of my life before you, a place that was almost exactly the same, when I myself was so very different.  How could nothing have changed but me?  Even though we didn't get much work done on Monday, it was really nice to have you there.  I got to show you off to everyone.  They loved you.  Of course.

Today was different, though.  I had to leave you behind.  Over the last few weeks, I have done my best to mentally prepare for this.  I have coached myself and reminded myself that one of the major purposes of my life now is to raise you to be a good man, but I have another important purpose too.  I have lots of other kids to help raise, and they need me to show up to work every day.

Surprisingly enough, I didn't cry when I left you this morning.  Daddy stayed home with you and will be with you the next two days before you go to your own little school next week.  I think that helped a whole lot.  I knew that I was going back to work, like it or not, and being miserable about it would certainly not make me feel better at home or at school.  I don't think it's ever possible to be ready for something like this, but I was prepared.

What I was not prepared for was how intense the flood of joy would be when I came home to you.  I was not prepared to see you grin from ear to ear when you heard my voice and to smile at me for the next few minutes after.  I was not prepared for the choking up and tearing up that actually happened when I got home.  That's when I realized how very happy I was to see you and Dad and General, and that's when I realized just how much I had missed you all.

The thing is, though, that I think we'll both be better for this.  I'll be a better teacher because I'm a mom and a better mom because I'm a teacher.  I think now about how even the most misguided students have parents who think they're as wonderful as I think you are and how important it is for me to get that.  I think about how everyone belongs to someone else in this intense and special kind of way.  Except for some.  That's an even harder one for me now.  

I want you to remember what I'm about to tell you next because I think it's important.  There will probably be times when I'll be overprotective because I know too much about the kinds of trouble out there waiting for you to find it.  I see this happen every day at work.  There will probably be times when you think I love you a little too much or care too much, or there will be times when you just want me to stay out of your business.  I won't.  You'll get mad at me or annoyed with me and understandably so.

Get over it.

I know from my short career as a teacher that the best and worst problem you will have as a teenager is that I will love you to the point that it drives you crazy.  It may become irritating, but I'll do it anyway.  Just remember that this is always always always better than the alternative.  Then, maybe you'll get a little jealous that you have to share my heart every year with 130 other kids (although your part will always be exponentially bigger).  I will be okay going to work and spending some time away from you every day because I am overflowing with love for you enough that I have some left to give away.  You may see other kids at school who have more things than you or who have parents who are far better at this parenting thing than me and make a lot less mistakes, but I am confident in my ability to give you everything you ever need.  I love you deeply, completely, and unconditionally.  You will learn at the end of the day that that's all you really need.

I continued to learn that lesson at the end of my day today.  It's alright to leave you as long as I have you to come home to.  Your dad and I spent many of the first months that we were dating living across the country from each other.  It was tough.  I even had a mini meltdown once at an airport while being specially searched (I think I just made that phrase up).  Being away from each other was also, in a weird way, one of the best things that could have happened to us.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, perhaps?  It seems as if it's even more than that.  There's something to be said for knowing that you can have your own life and exist without each other.  That makes what your dad and I have and what we have, you and I, even more special.  There will come a day when you won't really technically need me anymore.  That won't be Monday, but Monday you will learn that you don't need your parents every minute.  Even though you don't need us, you will want to be with us anyway.  We will all cherish our time even more.

It will happen someday, though.  You'll realize that you are competent and independent and capable of leading your own happily successful life doing whatever you choose (by the way... we'll talk about all kinds of dreams we have for you, but we really truly do just want you to choose your own path to being the best you... whatever that is... but we'll talk about that more some other time).  It will deepen our love even more when you spend time with us not just because you need us but because you simply want to be with your parents, however silly and embarrassing and ridiculous we may be.

Okay, I know I'm getting a little ahead of myself here, but I had a lot on my mind today missing you.  I will be okay leaving because every time we're apart, it means I will get the sheer excitement and pure unfiltered joy of coming home to you.  It's hard for me to put into words what this is, but here's the best I can do.  You know how every time you come home, you know that General will be waiting on the other side of the door wagging his tail so hard that his entire body moves?  You know how he'll sniff and jump and cling to you for the first five minutes you're home?  You know how no matter what kind of day you've had, you can count on him to be over the moon with love and enthusiasm to see you?  Every. Single. Time.  That's how I feel today, Ty.  My tail may be metaphorical, but it is wagging with all its might.  I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Love you, Bubba.

Mom  

Hoot hoot!  Daddy dressed you as an owl today and sent me this picture at work :).

Dad talks Ty!

Dear Ty,

I can’t believe you are already a month and a half old!  It’s cliché to say, but it does seem like just yesterday that I was running out in the middle of the night to find pregnancy tests.  You are growing so fast.  You are already over 10lbs!  Your little face has changed so much.  Mom may have mentioned it, but we started calling you Bubba because of your chubby cheeks (we’ll be sure to tell this to your future significant others!).  Before you came into our lives, I had no idea of any of the development stages babies go through.  Needless to say, I am learning quickly.  I am also learning not to look too far into the future.  There are so many things I can’t wait to do with you, sometimes I have to stop myself and enjoy everything today.  I was so excited the first day you started smiling.  I don’t know for certain if those smiles mean that you are genuinely happy, but I hope they do!  That smile will be the ace up your sleeve in any situation.  Just flash that smile and you’ll be set!  I’ll have you know that your Mom and I make such fools of ourselves trying to make you smile.  We try to take so many pictures of you, but if you ever flipped the camera around, you’d have some great blackmail material!

I was extremely lucky to be able to take 4 weeks off of work to bond with you.  Going back to work was extremely tough.  I loved spending my whole day with you and Mom.  I was so apprehensive to have to leave you for 8 hours, fearing not only I would miss something big, but also that you would forget who I was.  Luckily, I’m not a morning person and you were up late so I was too tired to be sad and afraid to leave on my first day back!  Suffice it to say, I missed you so much.  Since your mom is awesome, she texted me a bunch of pictures of you.  Even though going to work each day is tough, I am genuinely excited to come home and see you at the end of every day.  Most days, you are just going into snuggle bug mode by the time I get home, so you get to claim me as a victim and we have a glorious and much needed nap!

I am just so thrilled that you are in my life.  Another cliché we heard is that you’ll never know love until you have children.  Man, are they right.  I cannot express how much I love you.  Same goes for your Mom.  I dearly loved your Mom before you were here, but somehow, after seeing you and her together, I love her even more! 

I love you, buddy!

Dad

Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe

Dear Ty,

You are an angel.  You slept for six consecutive hours last night.  SIX HOURS!  That is a beautiful, beautiful thing.  I can't explain how much that means to us. :)  Why did you do it...?

Was it because we read No, David! together or because we danced to "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe" for twenty minutes straight to put you to sleep?

If so, we'll read and hang out with Barry White every night.

Was it because Dad had an early meeting and needed his sleep badly or because I am worried about how soon I'll have to hang out with my eighth graders all day after being up with you at night?

If so, we truly appreciate your consideration and kindness in easing our troubles and worries.  That's really nice of you.

Was it just a random occurrence, possibly one that won't happen again soon?

If so, we'll still take it and won't take it for granted!  In any case, angel boy, thank you THANK YOU thank you!

My Tyson, I can't get enough of your love baby
Ty, I don't know, I don't know why
Can't get enough of your love, Bubba
Oh, some things I can't get used to
No matter how I try
Just like the more you give, the more I want
And baby, that's no lie

Love you,

                                                                              Mom

P.S. I got some pictures yesterday of the things I've been telling you about.  Check these out, silly boy!

What could make you concentrate this hard?  Hmm.  I'll give you one clue.  #2.

You smiled all through the subsequent four-alarm (wipe) diaper change.  You already know how to charm the ladies (or at least this one).  

Broken and Fixed and Broken

Dear Bubba (we call you that a lot now that you're adding a little chub to your physique),

I'm typing one-handed right now.  I think that about sums up the past few weeks.  That may sound silly, but let me explain.  Daddy went back to work, so we have been spending our days hanging out just the two of us.  I've started lots of other posts for this (many of them also done one-armed while you sleep on the other), and I have the best of intentions to finish them.  I wanted this all to be perfect for you, and I wanted to document every last second with you so that I would not forget a single moment.  I was waiting to even post and publish everything until I had it polished and could put everything in chronological order, instead of the scattered chaos of drafts currently occupying my computer.  But nothing is quite polished these days, is it?  After all, I already told you I'm typing one-handed.

The truth is that as much as I want to have a record of every second of every day of your life, actually living every second with you is more important and has put everything else on the back burner.  I want to be with you all of the time, even when you're sleeping (hence all the unfinished business).  I do just enough every day to feel some small sense of accomplishment- I shower, make the bed, take care of the laundry, visit with friends, and cook dinner- but I rush through it all just to get back to the times when I can snuggle with you.  The countdown until I go back to work is more and more present in my mind with each day that passes, and I just want to cherish all of our little moments together because I know I can never get them back.

You're too little to do any of the "big" things yet, but all the little things you do seem so big to me.  I love to watch you sleep.  You surrender to me in complete and total trust.  You make the cutest little faces and wriggle yourself into poses that have me constantly taking out my phone to take pictures of your every move.  Daddy loves to get these at work.  I love when you are awake and walk around the house with me with your tiny arm wrapped around my shoulder.  I will miss the way you cling to me like that when it's time for us to both be a little more independent.  I love that we know when you're going "number two" because you make grunting noises and clench your fists, and your face gets all angry.  I can't tell you how much that cracks us up.  I love that we can have "conversations" now where you respond to my questions and comments with your own little squeaks and squeals and noises.  I know it's probably all in my head and you're too young for that to actually be true, but I swear sometimes we really communicate.  I LOVE that every now and then, you're finally sneaking in a little smile.  I say finally because we have just been dying for you to smile since before you were even born!  There are endless other things that I love about you, but my one hand is getting tired, and I have so much more to say.

I must admit to you that this morning was rough.  You threw up all over my pillow and me, and I felt as if all that time I had just spent nursing you kind of went to waste... all down my side and even into my pants.  You woke up early and wanted to eat and eat and eat and not go back to your crib and not go back to sleep.  While we were playing, you filled your diaper so much that it leaked all over, further soiling the sheets (which means now I will have to take some time away from you to do more laundry and change the bed).  I was hungry and thirsty and tired and desperate for a shower.  None of that was even really a big deal, though.  I'm used to it.  I don't get mad at you or frustrated with you because you're just a baby.  I don't want you to feel anything but pure love and joy radiating from me to you.  You just do what babies do.  In fact, I think you're even better than most babies.  You have really been such a good boy.

What made this morning rough was something different.  I put you in your bassinet the way I always do so that I could take a quick shower.  I turned around for what I swear was only two seconds, and I heard you screaming like you have never screamed before.  I rushed back to you and found that one of your crazy thrashing legs had gotten stuck between two bars of the bassinet, and you were screaming and crying as you tried unsuccessfully to get it out.  I pulled it out as quickly as I could and swooped you up to me.  Your little leg was bright red, and I was frantic.  You wouldn't stop crying, and I was devastated.  I thought you had broken your leg... and now it would never grow... and you would have to live your life with one regular leg and one that was feet shorter... and it was all my fault... and why did I need a stupid shower anyway... you get the picture.  I know it sounds dumb now.  I was just so worried for you.  When I still hadn't gotten you to calm down fifteen minutes later, I called your dad.  I was clearly a mess because he said right away that he would come home.

I finally calmed you down and got you to eat, which comforted you even more (you may look just like your daddy, but you are so my kid too... haha).  Your dad came home and calmed me down.  He assured me that you seemed fine finally and that I am not the worst mom in the world.  He stayed long enough for me to get a shower and to eat, bless his heart.  Have I told you yet how amazing he is?  That's way more than I can do one-handed, but I'm sure it will come up many more times.

Even though you're just fine, I will probably beat myself up about this for a while.  I'm not saying that to make you feel bad.  Rather, I want you to understand how incredibly important you are to me.  That's what I do with everything I'm passionate about.  At the end of the day, I take inventory of my mistakes and think about how I can be a better Christian, a better wife, a better teacher, a better friend, a better woman.  I have now added to the top of that list wondering every day how I can be a better mom for you.  Each day I resolve to learn from the day before and to improve the day after.

What I realized today and what I try to repeat to myself every day is that despite all the mistakes I'm making, I'm doing okay.  When I thought something had happened to you, my instincts kicked in, and I was ready to do whatever it took to comfort and protect you.  I wrapped you up and tried to pour every last bit of love I have into you.  I want you to know today and always that I will do anything and everything for you.  I pity the first kid who messes with you at school or the first person who breaks your heart because I don't know if they will survive me.  I will always always always do my best and be my best for you so that I can survive me.

I want this world to be a better place now more than ever because you live in it now.  This will make me a better Christian, a better wife, a better teacher, a better friend, a better woman, and a better mom.  Thanks for loving me unconditionally, despite the fact that I am flawed and always broken and fixing myself.  Thanks for being such a perfect little man.  Thanks for being a daily reminder of God's love.

Thanks for choosing just the right moment to smile this morning to prove to me once and for all that I had not broken you on my watch.  

I love you, Tyson.

Mom

Once Upon a Time...

Dear Ty,

                I have only gotten to love you in my arms for a week, but I have wanted you for as long as I can remember.  When I married your dad five years ago, I wanted you even more.  For the first few years we were married, he would always talk about “his” kids, and we would joke (I think J) about whether or not the day would come when dreams of his kids would become dreams of ours.  We both always knew, though, that it was just a matter of time. 

                Even before we knew you, we wanted so badly to do everything right.  We got our jobs, bought our house, practiced with your brother General as our first child, and finished our degrees.  We have always wanted you and wanted to be able to give you everything we can.  When your dad started talking about our kids and mentioned to me in passing one time at the mall that maybe I’d be shopping at a maternity store soon, I almost cried with joy.  It was almost time.

                We had one last college style hurrah at your “Aunt” Carolyn’s wedding in September, knowing that we were hoping our lives would change soon after.  We were finally ready to make you a reality, and we knew for sure that there was enough love between us to fill another person.  What we didn’t realize was how quickly we would be blessed!

Aunt Carolyn and Uncle Ryan's Wedding
Are you embarrassed yet?

                Actually, I take that back.  I knew.  I swear I knew that you existed from almost the moment that it was true.  Your dad told me not to be disappointed, that it’s not always so easy.  Still, there was something that clicked with me right away that I just can’t explain.   When my first pregnancy test came up negative, I wasn’t really even that disappointed.  I still knew what was what and figured I had been a little anxious, and it must just be too early.  Your dad thought I was a little crazy.  He’s not wrong about that, but he’s also still figuring out that I’m often right.

After the negative and before the positive... there you are in my belly :)

                The second, third, fourth, and fifth tests all allowed me to say “I told you so.”  The first two tests just had these pesky lines that were hard to read, especially when we knew that if we could want them into existence, we would.  Your dad ran out to the drug store in the middle of the night (while I chugged water to make sure I would not hold up the process) and got two more that would say “pregnant” if it was really true.   They did.  We were overjoyed.  October 3, 2011, was the first of many days where you would begin to change our lives.

This is just some of the tests!

                The hardest part was not being able to shout our news from the rooftops, but it was also kind of fun.  Your dad is not usually very good at keeping secrets (remember this if you ever want to know anything… you can pry pretty much anything out of him without much effort), and it was exciting to have our own little secret for a while.  We read all kinds of information online, chatted constantly about how we would tell everyone you were coming, and thought it was adorable how protective General was of me.  We think he’s known about you since the beginning, too. 

                The only time you ever caused any trouble was at the beginning.  I was teaching a difficult group of students, taking my last few classes for my Master’s degree, and working on my final research project.  During all of this, I was sick.  Oh, I was sick!  I couldn’t eat chocolate or cook meat (or much of anything, for that matter), and I spent many timeouts of Michigan football games in the bathroom.   What got me through was thinking of you.  When I couldn’t get full of anything else, I filled my head with thoughts of how sweet it would be to meet you and to love you.

13 Weeks
Master's Presentation Day

                We told your grandparents and aunts and uncles about you at the end of October, and I think it may have been even harder for them to keep you a secret than it was for us.  You have been so loved by so many people since you were just a teeny tiny little guy in my belly who looked more like a dinosaur than a baby.  That’s what daddy said you looked like after we saw you for the first time anyway.  He wasn’t entirely convinced that you were a baby yet, but I’m not sure it would have made a difference.  He was in love!

                We went to Texas for Thanksgiving and finally filled everyone else in about you.  Of course, there were more tears and more joy.  I was starting to feel better at last, and I was so thankful that you helped me to fulfill my dream of having an excuse to wear stretchy maternity pants for Thanksgiving dinner and to fill them to the brim.    I told my students about you a week later and was glad to be able to finally explain to them why I had spent so much time behind my desk eating popcorn.

Your first 80's Day!

                The rest of my pregnancy went about as smoothly as it possibly could.  I felt great, and you made me crave all kinds of wonderful things.  Your dad and I have never had so many fruits and vegetables and salads!  I liked showing you off as a little bump and feeling your tiny limbs poke out here and there to remind me that you were growing and healthy.  I finished my Master’s degree, and that was sure a relief.  At your twenty week ultrasound, we decided that you were actually a baby (not a dinosaur), and we saw how active you were with your legs all over the place in all of your pictures.  We showed those pictures around to anyone who was willing to look (and possibly to a few people who didn’t really care but were nice enough to ooh and ahh).  We chose not to find out if you were a boy or a girl.  Honestly, we were ecstatic that you existed and were healthy, and we knew that we would adore you no matter what.  We were certainly right about that!  One of the most exciting parts of every week was getting the e-mail that told us how you were developing and which kind of fruit we could compare you to (weird, I know).  Then, we’d flip the block on the little countdown we made and get even more excited for the next week.

20 Weeks

                You were showered with gifts by your Texas relatives in March, by your Mierzwa grandparents constantly, by your Barnwell family in April, and by other friends and family for all nine months that you were cooking.  Your daddy and I were overwhelmed by how many people you were going to have in your life to love you, and we felt so blessed by all the people in our lives. 

We're having fun at your Texas shower!  (Well, I am anyway .)

Texas Shower

Here we are at your Barnwell shower with Heather (and Baby T!)

                We decided that we simply could not wait to see you, so we had some 3D Ultrasound pictures taken around thirty weeks.  In typical Tyson style, your little legs were kicking, and we cracked up that your feet were in your face almost the entire time.  We started planning your future as a kicker or dancer or something squirmy.  Your daddy decided that not only were you a baby, but you were a pretty darn cute one at that.  I must say I agreed wholeheartedly, and our excitement just kept growing.

                We spent the last few months in overdrive.  We were constantly working on your nursery, writing thank you notes, cleaning, reading about your progress, going to appointments to listen to your heartbeat, and trying to get everything finished for the end of my school year.   Dad finished his Master’s degree in May, and we knew we were officially so ready for you to make your arrival.  Almost everyone thought you were going to be a boy, but we really still had no idea.  We were just so freaking elated for you to be you and to come use all the stuff that was filling our house.  We couldn’t believe how one little person could have so many things!

36 Weeks or So...

                The last few weeks were even crazier.  I was finally done teaching, and I started to get bored.  I just wanted to meet you!  Your daddy loved it because I was throwing things out, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, and getting the house ready.  I also read a few books, watched entirely too many Lifetime movies, and even went so far as to take apart the refrigerator and clean it piece by piece.   We started getting daily texts and messages from family and friends who were casually checking in to “say hi” (which really meant they were almost as anxious to meet you as we were).  I started to think maybe you were just too comfortable and that you’d stay where you were forever!  Even though it wasn’t your due date yet, I had sworn that you were going to be early.  It just took you a little more time than I thought to figure out that I was right.  Like father, like son.

To be continued…

Love,

Mom