We are in the midst of a completely ordinary Saturday morning in this household. You are currently chasing General around the house, wielding a fork and looking extra cute in your dinosaur footie pajamas. We just got done with our Panera souffles and pumpkin spice lattes (weekly fall staples in this household). It's crazy play time now, and then nap time and football time later We've had a lot of Saturdays like this, and I am hopeful that we will have a lot more. On this most ordinary of mornings, though, I am completely overcome with an extraordinary amount of gratitude.
It started when I was watching you eat breakfast. You are getting so good with your fork! You show great determination in stabbing something as many times as it needs to be stabbed, and you show even more excitement once you shovel it into your mouth by yourself. I know this will sound totally silly, but I am really proud of you every time I see you use that fork. It's crazy how smart you are and how quickly you teach yourself how to do things. In the past few weeks, you have learned how to open the baby gate by the stairs (which scares the living daylights out of us, by the way), how to say all kinds of things, how to put shapes into your toy cookie jar, and so much more. I was thinking this morning about how proud I am of all these little things, and I can't even begin to imagine how that pride will grow as you start to do even bigger things. My heart swells for you with everything you do.
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Unfortunately, this is the part where I have to admit how selfish I have been. Over the past months, I have allowed my thoughts to be consumed with wanting more. I want more of you little heart stealing buggers running all over making a mess in this house. Daddy and I want to give you brothers and sisters. We want a family big enough to make me lose my closet (and maybe even my mind a little bit, too). This is not a dream that has been easy to realize. It doesn't help that it was so easy with you or that it seems like every five minutes people ask us when there will be another. If I had it in me, I'd answer honestly that those questions drive little daggers into my heart because if it was up to me, you'd be a big brother by now. The hardest thing for me to accept has been that it is not up to me. Until now.
What I realized this morning is that I thank God that it is not up to me. He has provided more for me than I could ever hope for or dream of or deserve. I would not be anything without His love and guidance. He gave me Daddy and our family (the blood ones that we love so much AND all the other ones that we chose for ourselves). He gives me over a hundred new kids every year to brighten my days and to do His work. And then there's you. Any time I feel selfish or ungrateful, all I have to do is look into your eyes, my little crazy haired, joyful, belly laughing, sweet miracle, to feel utterly humbled and thankful.
So what if this is "all" there is? I am pretty <pardon my French> damn lucky. When I leave things in God's hands I see evidence every minute of every day of His amazing work. My blessings are abundant, and it is not possible to ever be grateful enough for what He has given me when I believe in and trust in Him. He knows my heart, and He loves me anyway. Instead of focusing on the selfish wants of my heart, I promise to try to focus on all of these beautiful moments with you guys that go by oh so quickly.
Tyson, I can't remember what life was like without you. Part of the reason it's hard to remember is because I don't even want to try. You have made our lives more magical than anything that we ever could have dreamed for ourselves. You are all of our best parts added up into one tiny little incredible guy. You are our greatest blessing and our greatest accomplishment. You are, and will always be, more than enough.
It is tough for me to share all of this, both because of how raw and emotional it is and because you somehow keep acquiring new forks (or cups or mugs or blocks or...whew), so I have to stop to rescue you or hug you every few minutes. I love it. I love you. Keep being wonderful you, little buddy.
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Matthew 6:21
I love you so much.
Mom
