I officially went back to work today. I say officially because it was the first day that I had to go back without taking your sweet face with me. Do you remember your first day at school with me earlier this week? It's okay if you don't. I was kicking myself that I forgot to take a picture of you there. It's okay that I didn't. I'm sure you'll be back there more times than we can count.
Anyway, I have dreaded this day for, well, probably your whole life. I have truly enjoyed hanging out with you all summer, and we've only been apart for a few hours at a time. I liked it that way. The thought of going an entire day without nuzzling into your little head or kissing your chubby cheeks or getting kicked by your surprisingly strong (and also chubby) legs was sometimes overwhelming.
It was bizarre to take you into school and into my classroom for the first time on Monday. It was, in some ways, like bringing you home for the first time. It was strange to be in a place that was familiar, a place where I lived so many days of my life before you, a place that was almost exactly the same, when I myself was so very different. How could nothing have changed but me? Even though we didn't get much work done on Monday, it was really nice to have you there. I got to show you off to everyone. They loved you. Of course.
Today was different, though. I had to leave you behind. Over the last few weeks, I have done my best to mentally prepare for this. I have coached myself and reminded myself that one of the major purposes of my life now is to raise you to be a good man, but I have another important purpose too. I have lots of other kids to help raise, and they need me to show up to work every day.
Surprisingly enough, I didn't cry when I left you this morning. Daddy stayed home with you and will be with you the next two days before you go to your own little school next week. I think that helped a whole lot. I knew that I was going back to work, like it or not, and being miserable about it would certainly not make me feel better at home or at school. I don't think it's ever possible to be ready for something like this, but I was prepared.
What I was not prepared for was how intense the flood of joy would be when I came home to you. I was not prepared to see you grin from ear to ear when you heard my voice and to smile at me for the next few minutes after. I was not prepared for the choking up and tearing up that actually happened when I got home. That's when I realized how very happy I was to see you and Dad and General, and that's when I realized just how much I had missed you all.
The thing is, though, that I think we'll both be better for this. I'll be a better teacher because I'm a mom and a better mom because I'm a teacher. I think now about how even the most misguided students have parents who think they're as wonderful as I think you are and how important it is for me to get that. I think about how everyone belongs to someone else in this intense and special kind of way. Except for some. That's an even harder one for me now.
I want you to remember what I'm about to tell you next because I think it's important. There will probably be times when I'll be overprotective because I know too much about the kinds of trouble out there waiting for you to find it. I see this happen every day at work. There will probably be times when you think I love you a little too much or care too much, or there will be times when you just want me to stay out of your business. I won't. You'll get mad at me or annoyed with me and understandably so.
Get over it.
I know from my short career as a teacher that the best and worst problem you will have as a teenager is that I will love you to the point that it drives you crazy. It may become irritating, but I'll do it anyway. Just remember that this is always always always better than the alternative. Then, maybe you'll get a little jealous that you have to share my heart every year with 130 other kids (although your part will always be exponentially bigger). I will be okay going to work and spending some time away from you every day because I am overflowing with love for you enough that I have some left to give away. You may see other kids at school who have more things than you or who have parents who are far better at this parenting thing than me and make a lot less mistakes, but I am confident in my ability to give you everything you ever need. I love you deeply, completely, and unconditionally. You will learn at the end of the day that that's all you really need.
I continued to learn that lesson at the end of my day today. It's alright to leave you as long as I have you to come home to. Your dad and I spent many of the first months that we were dating living across the country from each other. It was tough. I even had a mini meltdown once at an airport while being specially searched (I think I just made that phrase up). Being away from each other was also, in a weird way, one of the best things that could have happened to us. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, perhaps? It seems as if it's even more than that. There's something to be said for knowing that you can have your own life and exist without each other. That makes what your dad and I have and what we have, you and I, even more special. There will come a day when you won't really technically need me anymore. That won't be Monday, but Monday you will learn that you don't need your parents every minute. Even though you don't need us, you will want to be with us anyway. We will all cherish our time even more.
It will happen someday, though. You'll realize that you are competent and independent and capable of leading your own happily successful life doing whatever you choose (by the way... we'll talk about all kinds of dreams we have for you, but we really truly do just want you to choose your own path to being the best you... whatever that is... but we'll talk about that more some other time). It will deepen our love even more when you spend time with us not just because you need us but because you simply want to be with your parents, however silly and embarrassing and ridiculous we may be.
Okay, I know I'm getting a little ahead of myself here, but I had a lot on my mind today missing you. I will be okay leaving because every time we're apart, it means I will get the sheer excitement and pure unfiltered joy of coming home to you. It's hard for me to put into words what this is, but here's the best I can do. You know how every time you come home, you know that General will be waiting on the other side of the door wagging his tail so hard that his entire body moves? You know how he'll sniff and jump and cling to you for the first five minutes you're home? You know how no matter what kind of day you've had, you can count on him to be over the moon with love and enthusiasm to see you? Every. Single. Time. That's how I feel today, Ty. My tail may be metaphorical, but it is wagging with all its might. I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Love you, Bubba.
Mom
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| Hoot hoot! Daddy dressed you as an owl today and sent me this picture at work :). |
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